No-No

And not the basseball kind either!

C and I were out at the Club last night for dinner (oh the Club....another post for another day, the people there are....interesting to say the least) and up comes a couple of people that I recognize but I don't really know.

They were ooozing with excitement to see Owen for the first time. Then came the dreaded question from Mrs. I-don't-know-who...Are You Nursing.

Again, I barely know these people. I know that some out there are totally not offended by randomites asking if you're breastfeeding or not...but I am one who thinks that it is rather delicate and personal information. Yes, I know I'm extra sensitive because of the challenges that I've faced, but it's like going up to someone and asking them if they had a bowel movement that day. It's not something I would ever ask anyone else, so why would I tolerate it being asked of me?

I simply answered "No!" in a very cheerful way, and C tried to change the subject with the other woman...but HOLY awkward silence! You could just tell that Mrs. I-dont-know-who would have responded "Oh good! that's just great!" if I had of said that I was breastfeeding...and that she was judging me and looking down on me for saying no.

I don't get it. He's a happy boy...10lbs3oz of happiness, who giggles and smiles (starting yesterday!). What the hell is the big deal?

You never know someone's circumstance...what if he was a premmie who couldn't breastfeed for medical reasons? What would her response have been then? Big awkward, judging silence? What if she knew about all of the complications, and the depression? What then?

I really wish people would mind their own business and not be so concerned with what everyone else is doing, including how I'm chooseing to nourish my son!

See...he's happy!!

Ask Me Anything!

Yes, sort of a cop-out of a post today, but we have a busy day lined up and I really need to get a move on!

My friend, the lovely Jenni (you can read about her adventures of a mom of two super cute kids, Carter and Brynn, here) posted this last Friday in her Y3W (Your 3 Words).

So go ahead...ask anything you want to know, baby or non baby! Maybe you're wondering about what I do for a living, or how I could possibly live with the likes of C! Perhaps you're more of a "How did she stick with 6 weeks of pumping!" kind of questioner, or even wondering about our bedtime routine and how we make things work for us.

Ask away! I promise to answer everything!!

Mommy's Checkup

Well...today marked that dreaded event...my 6week checkup. I was very nervous to go. I mean, what were they going to look for? And what exactly were they going to say when I opened up about throwing remotes and soothers across the room, screaming at a helpless baby who doesn't understand that Mommy's a little off her rocker, and crying uncontrollably?

Thankfully our now doctor, Dr. Gari, was incredible. Not only was she easy to talk to, but she was amazingly reassuring.

We started with the topic of PPD, and sort of branched out from there. I told her how alone I am feeling, abandoned, lost...full of thoughts of failure because of the breastfeeding (or lack thereof) and the stress that I have been experiencing personally. She agreed that I probably don't need medication right now, nor do I want it with our family history of drug abuse, but impressed on me how critical the next few weeks are going to be in terms of recovery for me. I'm going to need alot of support from C, and that may mean a few days of him at home throughout the week, and him taking care of me...so that I can take care of Owen.

She also suggested that C be at home for the next little while, and go to doctor's appointments and support groups with me so that he can fully grasp what I'm going through. He's never known me to ask for help, nor has he really ever seen me so...disengaged from our life. I think (I don't know for sure...but I would highly suspect) that it's difficult to see me go through this, but we'll get me on track. I know we will. It might mean him making me a healthy dinner, forcing me to eat on a regualr schedule, drawing me bubble baths and us all going for a family walk every evening...but we can do this.

Pam, the nurse, got me written information about PPD and how support systems can help (primarily the grandparents) get me through this...and also how it can impact our entire family. It will make stressful relationships more strained, and it can cause alot of division in a family. However, if everyone is on board with getting me healthy, then only good things can come to us!

Then we went onto my blood pressure, which is post on, and my weight...which is almost down to what I weighed when I met C back in 2004...and is what I graduated high school with! (thankfully, I lost weight in university...but that's beside the point). I am currently 36lbs. less than when I got pregnant in September. 36lbs!!

In terms of how things have healed, I've been given the green light for long walks and yoga, and really any exercise that I want! I've also been given strict instructions to take me-time everyday, be it a bubble bath, hot shower, or long long walk. Me-time...*sigh* that sounds divine.

The last thing that we talked about was the pumping and the added stress that it is causing for me right now. Added stress also means that my supply has gone back down to the 1oz./pumping session...and with Owen eating 4oz. every 4 hours...my body certainly can't keep up. I was going to ask Dr. Gari about stopping, the options etc. and before I had the chance, she suggested that I stop. I've done all that I can, my body is under too much stress and my mental health is at risk right now. Why go through pumping every 2-3 hours to get little-to-no milk, only to feel horrible about it?

She's right, and it's definitely encouraging to have someone on the same page as I who isn't judging me or giving me the stink-eye for considering stopping. There are so many other, much more positive ways for me to bond with Owen than to know that he's getting my milk. C and I will have to have a serious conversation about it, but I think that I will stop pumping very soon. How soon...I don't know. But it's definitely on the horizon so that we can focus on my mental health.

Postpartum Depression

This is an entry I've been avoiding for a while...5 weeks to be exact.

It's not something that people really talk about. Postpartum what? Depression, eh...hmm...

We knew right from the get go when we started this journey over a year ago, that there was some big potential for me to wind up with this condition (the most common complication of pregnancy actually) based solely on family history. Bipolar runs in my family, and I've dealt with alot of grief in the past 5 years after my Dad passed away.

Well...I officially have it. Like, officially officially.

We sort of knew it was coming at about 1 week postpartum, when I would cry at the drop of the hat, and then be a raging lunatic. I hoped, oh I so hoped that it was just the baby blues. However... when we got to 3 weeks...4 weeks...and now 5 weeks...it's pretty clear that it's postpartum depression.

I'm not having the scary thoughts of wanting to hurt Owen. Honestly, the thought of anything bad happening to my little boy makes me so sad it's indescribable. However, I have had moments of totally irrational thoughts...

Like, Owen wouldn't take his soother to calm down on Saturday night. What did I do? I whipped his soother clear across the room. Definitely, not rational!

Then, on Monday when he was the redfaced spawn of satan and wouldn't stop screaming, I screamed back! And not quietly! I also had a (fleeting) thought of I can't do this and I want to get in the car and drive away. Obviously, I didn't, but the thought was there.

It's a very difficult thing to deal with. One day, I'm completely fine and enjoying being a mom so much it hurts. Other days...all I want is for C to come home immediately from work so I can escape everything...and everyone.

It's also difficult when others don't really fully understand what you're going through. I went to a postpartum mom's support group yesterday to sort of connect with other women who're going through the same thing. I knew that there would also be a therapist there, so perhaps she'd be able to give me some coping strategies, and ways to help our support system understand how they can help me, and C, through this.

I've decided that one of the ways I can cope is to write and be brutally honest about what I'm going through. So far, I've noticed that alot of women hide from it and are in denial about what they're going through. If what I have to say strikes a chord with anyone out there and helps them through their own journey, fantastic.

The support group that I went to yesterday was...interesting. It was hard to relate to the other women, as they had toddlers and infants much older than Owen, and they are in a much different mental state than I am in. They're so happy, and while I'm sure that they have their moments of lunacy, it sort of felt...fake. Did they really understand what I was feeling? It certainly didn't feel like it.

The good part about the group, and probably the only reason that I would consider going back, is the therapist. Her name is Jody, and you can sit in a very safe place and talk to her about whatever you need. While I have a hormonal imbalance that is swinging pretty crazily right now, there are also alot of external stresses that I'm dealing with as well, so having a therapist to talk to and help me set up boundaries around those stressers, and release control over the things that are holding me back from being truly happy.

I do see a light at the end of a tunnel...but it feels like with every step forward, the end of the tunnel seems further and further away.

While I know that this is temporary and that it will eventually go away, it's hard to see sometimes.

So weekly, I'll check in and write. Write until my heart is content, or until the tears are clouding my eyes so badly that I can't see the keyboard anymore. Either way, it will prove to be therapeutic, and again...if it helps anyone out there, great!

Dr's Update

Well, we had Owen's 1month checkup today....

Height - 22 1/4"
Weight - 9lbs.11oz.
Head circumference - 38cm

Yes...you read all of that right. He's a BIG boy! His muscle tone is great, reactions perfect...and get this...they think he's going to have blue eyes! Crazy, eh!? There was only about a 10% chance of that happening, and well...looks like he's a very special babe!

Now...the height and weight...

The doctor anticipates that he's going to be over 6', which he certainly gets from his cousins Steve, Scott and Mike, and he's currently in the 99th percentile for height in respect to his age.

Our baby is getting so big, and so fast!

We asked about when to increase the ounces that he eats, and thankfully Pam (the nurse) gave us information about that, and also about the colic, and when to transition him to his crib.

Well...they think now. I have such mixed emotions about this. On one hand, it means sleep. On the other, it means a monitor next to the bed, and my baby being that much further away. I think bassinet before crib, and maybe he'll like the bassinet now that he's bigger and older. She also said that since he's moving around so much, he needs more space...which means the end of swaddling.

Oh my. I'm not sure I'm ready for this!!

However...he is growing out of all of the blankets we have to swaddle him in, and kicks out on them in his sleep anyhow.

Anyway, there you have it. Big baby...who is happier than ever!

Newborn Photo's

A couple of weeks ago, we had Owen's newborn photo shoot with Rosita...I thought the first one was cute...these are even better!

Our HABS baby!

C loves him so much!

LOVE this book...it's about a little boy named Owen :)

Singing All my Loving to calm down a cranky, squirmy boy

How can you not love him?

We sure do!

Happy Birthday, Momma T!

Today's a special one!! It's Momma T's birthday!! We're off to Woodstock on Thursday evening for dinner with the crew, including GodMomma, her bf J, her son T (who still insists on calling Owen "Indy"...as in Indiana Jones!), T's hubby R, baby girl O! It will be really nice to see everyone, and have two very capable ladies take Owen off our hands for a couple of hours so we can relax...and perhaps even enjoy a glass of wine!

So today, since it's all about T, I thought I would post some pictures of when she, R and O met Owen for the very first time.

T was so excited to meet him...and even stopped at the hospital mere seconds after he was born to drop off an orchid for us (which looks beautiful in our entry way). O was very excited about "the baby", and kept patting him and smiling at him.

The O's!!! Owen and miss O!

I love that in all of the pictures, T is snugly behind O...were you hiding from the camera?!

O "holding" Owen...very cute! O is C's #1 Girl...as he calls her.

Happy Birthday T!! We love ya!