Mommy's Checkup

Well...today marked that dreaded event...my 6week checkup. I was very nervous to go. I mean, what were they going to look for? And what exactly were they going to say when I opened up about throwing remotes and soothers across the room, screaming at a helpless baby who doesn't understand that Mommy's a little off her rocker, and crying uncontrollably?

Thankfully our now doctor, Dr. Gari, was incredible. Not only was she easy to talk to, but she was amazingly reassuring.

We started with the topic of PPD, and sort of branched out from there. I told her how alone I am feeling, abandoned, lost...full of thoughts of failure because of the breastfeeding (or lack thereof) and the stress that I have been experiencing personally. She agreed that I probably don't need medication right now, nor do I want it with our family history of drug abuse, but impressed on me how critical the next few weeks are going to be in terms of recovery for me. I'm going to need alot of support from C, and that may mean a few days of him at home throughout the week, and him taking care of me...so that I can take care of Owen.

She also suggested that C be at home for the next little while, and go to doctor's appointments and support groups with me so that he can fully grasp what I'm going through. He's never known me to ask for help, nor has he really ever seen me so...disengaged from our life. I think (I don't know for sure...but I would highly suspect) that it's difficult to see me go through this, but we'll get me on track. I know we will. It might mean him making me a healthy dinner, forcing me to eat on a regualr schedule, drawing me bubble baths and us all going for a family walk every evening...but we can do this.

Pam, the nurse, got me written information about PPD and how support systems can help (primarily the grandparents) get me through this...and also how it can impact our entire family. It will make stressful relationships more strained, and it can cause alot of division in a family. However, if everyone is on board with getting me healthy, then only good things can come to us!

Then we went onto my blood pressure, which is post on, and my weight...which is almost down to what I weighed when I met C back in 2004...and is what I graduated high school with! (thankfully, I lost weight in university...but that's beside the point). I am currently 36lbs. less than when I got pregnant in September. 36lbs!!

In terms of how things have healed, I've been given the green light for long walks and yoga, and really any exercise that I want! I've also been given strict instructions to take me-time everyday, be it a bubble bath, hot shower, or long long walk. Me-time...*sigh* that sounds divine.

The last thing that we talked about was the pumping and the added stress that it is causing for me right now. Added stress also means that my supply has gone back down to the 1oz./pumping session...and with Owen eating 4oz. every 4 hours...my body certainly can't keep up. I was going to ask Dr. Gari about stopping, the options etc. and before I had the chance, she suggested that I stop. I've done all that I can, my body is under too much stress and my mental health is at risk right now. Why go through pumping every 2-3 hours to get little-to-no milk, only to feel horrible about it?

She's right, and it's definitely encouraging to have someone on the same page as I who isn't judging me or giving me the stink-eye for considering stopping. There are so many other, much more positive ways for me to bond with Owen than to know that he's getting my milk. C and I will have to have a serious conversation about it, but I think that I will stop pumping very soon. How soon...I don't know. But it's definitely on the horizon so that we can focus on my mental health.