This is an entry I've been avoiding for a while...5 weeks to be exact.
It's not something that people really talk about. Postpartum what? Depression, eh...hmm...
We knew right from the get go when we started this journey over a year ago, that there was some big potential for me to wind up with this condition (the most common complication of pregnancy actually) based solely on family history. Bipolar runs in my family, and I've dealt with alot of grief in the past 5 years after my Dad passed away.
Well...I officially have it. Like, officially officially.
We sort of knew it was coming at about 1 week postpartum, when I would cry at the drop of the hat, and then be a raging lunatic. I hoped, oh I so hoped that it was just the baby blues. However... when we got to 3 weeks...4 weeks...and now 5 weeks...it's pretty clear that it's postpartum depression.
I'm not having the scary thoughts of wanting to hurt Owen. Honestly, the thought of anything bad happening to my little boy makes me so sad it's indescribable. However, I have had moments of totally irrational thoughts...
Like, Owen wouldn't take his soother to calm down on Saturday night. What did I do? I whipped his soother clear across the room. Definitely, not rational!
Then, on Monday when he was the redfaced spawn of satan and wouldn't stop screaming, I screamed back! And not quietly! I also had a (fleeting) thought of I can't do this and I want to get in the car and drive away. Obviously, I didn't, but the thought was there.
It's a very difficult thing to deal with. One day, I'm completely fine and enjoying being a mom so much it hurts. Other days...all I want is for C to come home immediately from work so I can escape everything...and everyone.
It's also difficult when others don't really fully understand what you're going through. I went to a postpartum mom's support group yesterday to sort of connect with other women who're going through the same thing. I knew that there would also be a therapist there, so perhaps she'd be able to give me some coping strategies, and ways to help our support system understand how they can help me, and C, through this.
I've decided that one of the ways I can cope is to write and be brutally honest about what I'm going through. So far, I've noticed that alot of women hide from it and are in denial about what they're going through. If what I have to say strikes a chord with anyone out there and helps them through their own journey, fantastic.
The support group that I went to yesterday was...interesting. It was hard to relate to the other women, as they had toddlers and infants much older than Owen, and they are in a much different mental state than I am in. They're so happy, and while I'm sure that they have their moments of lunacy, it sort of felt...fake. Did they really understand what I was feeling? It certainly didn't feel like it.
The good part about the group, and probably the only reason that I would consider going back, is the therapist. Her name is Jody, and you can sit in a very safe place and talk to her about whatever you need. While I have a hormonal imbalance that is swinging pretty crazily right now, there are also alot of external stresses that I'm dealing with as well, so having a therapist to talk to and help me set up boundaries around those stressers, and release control over the things that are holding me back from being truly happy.
I do see a light at the end of a tunnel...but it feels like with every step forward, the end of the tunnel seems further and further away.
While I know that this is temporary and that it will eventually go away, it's hard to see sometimes.
So weekly, I'll check in and write. Write until my heart is content, or until the tears are clouding my eyes so badly that I can't see the keyboard anymore. Either way, it will prove to be therapeutic, and again...if it helps anyone out there, great!
4 comments:
Hey girl, I do NOT know what you're going through but I'm here if you need to talk, no matter what! I don't know what else to say (I hate when people say cheesy things to make you feel better when they haven't the slightest idea what you're really going through) but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of and praying for you and your sweet little family! :0)
It was very brave of you to write this post and put it out there for everyone to read. Moms, sadly, often seem to be in an unsaid competition to see who is having the easiest time w/ motherhood and I think we do a huge disservice to each other when we don't tell the truth and let others know when we're struggling a little.
I didn't have postpartum depression but I experienced all of the situations and emotions you described. I've thrown things, yelled at babies, put them in their cribs and walked away to sob in another room, thought about walking out the moment D got home, spent most of the night holding them while they cried and cried right along with them b/c I didn't know what to do to make them stop. I've also had my hormones take me on a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes in a 5 minute period of time. I could go from "I love being a mother!" to "What the f*** have we done?" in the blink of an eye. For the first few weeks after A was born I cried over EVERYTHING all the time. I seriously didn't want to visit with friends or go out b/c I knew I'd end up crying. Tears came to my eyes for good and bad things (incl. the scariest thoughts about something happening to this baby that I loved more than I ever thought possible).
All this to say that I didn't have PPD ... I was sleep deprived, hormonal, a new mother learning how to 'read' her baby, grieving my old life, learning my 'new normal' and healing after a fairly traumatic delivery. The most important thing you can do for yourself is take good care of you. In my opinion that means taking your vitamins to make sure all of those things are balanced (B vitamins play a huge role in your ability to handle stress), get your fatty acids (I put a little flax seed oil in my oatmeal every morning and don't taste it at all - it helps even out your hormones), get as much sleep as possible, don't overextend yourself and think you have to entertain everyone or take O out to show him to people ... there will be lots of time for that and no one will think any less of you if you simply say that you're staying close to home for awhile. When you go out, go out for lunch or a movie w/o O. It helps you feel like there is still a world out there for adults and that at some point in the not-to-distant future you'll be back in it. Plus it'll probably help you appreciate O a little more if you spend some time away ... I'd miss my babies like crazy even when I was just grocery shopping alone :)
As with all things, this too shall pass, and this time will seem like a blur (largely due to the sleep deprivation!). It's smart that you're talking to a therapist and keeping an eye on your symptoms (esp. given our family history) but my strong suspicion is that you're going to be just fine and that, with time and a routine, things will settle down.
Love ya lots,
Sara
Hey Luv,
I want you to know that I can relate to a lot of what you're going through and I'll be there to talk to and support you. So far PPD hasn't found me, but I can almost hear it's footsteps following me around everywhere. I'm glad you found a support system and a professional to talk to. These things are important. I'm glad you're not trying to deal with this on your own. I'll definately be stopping into your blog to check up on you and post an update on how I'm doing. Keep with it mamma! You're doing a fantastic job.
I think the only way to deal with it is to face it head on and not hide. What's the point in hiding when there is so much positivity than can come if I don't!?
Holly - thanks hon! We will take all of the prayers we can get!
Sara - It was so funny to talk to this therapist...she looks IDENTICAL to you, with short dark pixie cut hair (which I think would look amazing on you after seeing her!) Thankfully, Colin (and Godmomma) recognized PPD early on, and have been amazing supports and have help me find my footing. i know that there will always be days where he tests my patience...I mean...he's a boy!
Synch - Hey lady, any way that we can help eachother, I'm down for it! (trip to Oakville centre shopping thingy perhaps!)
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