Being Selfish

This post is going to be all about me. Ya...that's right, me!

I think I deserve a little attention amongst all of this baby madness, but I need a little help.

What am I talking about? My hair, obviously!

I haven't done a single thing to it since the beginning of April, and let me tell you....the grey's are coming in fast and furious (thanks, Dad), the red streak in my bangs (which really...who's kidding...I don't have bangs really anymore) is more like an orangey straw colour, and the length is absolutely ridiculous!


I have an appointment with the amazing April on the 8th to get spruced up.

So...What do you think I should do? I'm definitely open to suggestion!

Here's the before (aka now...after a nap with Owen)



And here are some things that I've done in the past...



A little long, with bangs and my red streak through them



Solid dark dark brown, chin lengthish



Asymmetrical, curly with a little red poking through on the side


Asymmetrical, straight with red poking through on the side (that you can't see in the picture)


I've had it long, super short (in like grade 4-8, hahaha) and somewhere in the middle. I've had red highlights, blonde, caramel, purple, different shades of brown...


I'd like to be able to still pull it back in a pony tail, or loose pig tails, since it's the summer, and also because it is the summer, I wear it straight alot of the time to avoid frizz and ridiculousness.


Oh...and did I mention that we have Owen's newborn pictures on the 8th? So...momma's gotta look good! Curly or straight???

Mr. Crankypants

Wow...yesterday must have been the day of fussy babies. Was there a full moon or some other natural phenomena going on that us mom's weren't aware of?

Owen and I had an excellent day...a low key day, but an excellent one. Started off with a few hours of snuggling in bed, a very late breakfast...but all in all, we were keeping with his feeding schedule and he was getting another day of breast milk.

He was napping at all of the right intervals and it was looking like a fabulous day. I had made my calls to the public health nurse, who I played phone tag with all day but we finally connected at around 5:30pm and she's going to hook me up with a lactation consultant who specializes in pumping moms. Perfect!

I even had time for a well rounded lunch, called our investment guy to figure out my savings account (I've been on maternity leave since April 16th, applied for my benefits on the 29th and am still waiting for a payment from the government!! Another gripe for another day...) and even booked myself a hair appointment for the 8th (the day we get Owen's newborn pictures done with Rosita!).

The day was going great! C came home from work, fed Owen while I pumped (which wasn't getting worse in terms of supply, not better...but definitely not worse!) and got ready for the gym.

Then it happened. Owen turned into Mr. Crankypants. I should have known that by the time C got home from the gym, Owen would need to eat again. I should have remembered to boil water earlier in the day since we're onto a can of powdered formula. I should have known.

Apparently, my mind was elsewhere and I forgot.

Queue pouty, screaming, crying (with tears!! holy break my heart!) and all around miserable baby.

I felt pretty horrible, I'm not going to lie. I was trying to calm him, and it seemed that singing to him was working, right up until the garage door went up and C walked in the door. Fussy, fussy, fussy.

I had him put a pot of water on the stove and he grabbed his keys and ran to the store for premixed formula and diapers (another post for another day...why can't manufacturers agree on a newborn size?!).

After getting Owen fed and changed, it seemed that we could not soothe him. No amount of rocking, singing, bouncing, walking, talking, shhhing, or rubbing his back helped. We took turns trying to get him to calm down, but it seemed that he was so overtired that there was no helping him. He also had the toots...really bad, and we wondered if perhaps he was constipated or had a bought of indigestion.

We gave him some gripe water and popped in a soother. That worked...for a few minutes at least.

I was getting pretty exhausted at this point, probably around the 9:30 mark, and we all settled on the couch to snuggle and watch the Bachelorette. Thank GOD for the PVR.

By 10, Owen was fast asleep on my chest after much resistance and my butt was hurting from the angle I was sitting at. Okay...don't panic...you can move without waking him. C thought I was nuts to even try, but seriously, it was move or not be able to and have to sleep on the couch over night.

Thankfully, I was able to move and once the Bachelorette was over, was even able to pass Owen off to C for his final feeding before bedtime and get the diaper caddy and feeding caddy ready for beside the bed.

Yesterday must have been the day for fussy babies. Two of my online-mommy friends had fussers either overnight Monday, or all day yesterday. I felt so helpless last night trying to get him calmed down and knowing that nothing was going to work...he was just too tired to let it.

That being said, he's been excellent tonight. It's 4:30am, he just fed about a half hour ago and I have time to pump, make my list of questions for the lactation consultant who will be visiting at some point today or tomorrow, and have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself to do other things like blog and check emails.

I'm starting to like 4am. Everything's quiet.

Supply and Demand

Oh the trials and tribulations of a pumping mom.

The past weekend had been far from easy when it came to feeding time with Owen, and I attribute alot of the frustration to not being smart enough to take my breast pump over to C's parents place on Friday night to get in a pumping session while we were there for birthday-father's day festivities.

Saturday rolled around, and I noticed a large red patch covering about a 1/4 of my right breast. Uh oh, I thought...the beginnings of masitisis. In other words, not good. I spent part of the day in tears, feeling like a complete failure, and part of the day determined to make this work. C was incredibly supportive, did all of the feedings with Owen and let me figure out a pumping schedule that worked for me and my boobs.

I'm not sure how many warm compresses, glasses of water and juice, healthy meals, relaxation techniques and hours were spent pumping on Saturday, but I just felt that something was off. I was still getting a good ounce of breast milk at every pump so things were okay in that respect, and the clogged ducts in the right breast definitely were loosening and feeling alot better.

Then Sunday happened. Sunday...how I hate you so. I wanted to be switched over to exclusively breast milk by the end of the weekend, and was so excited on Saturday to have bought new breast pads, more milk saver bags and a larger storage bin for the freezer for our stock pile.

C was off golfing with Uncle B and Nagypapi, and Owen and I were having a great morning. He was feeding really well off the breast milk and I couldn't be happier. That is, until I went to pump.

Half an ounce. Pardon me? That's it?! From both breasts?? Wait...combined?!

I certainly did not see that one coming. I immediately text C and said "I think I'm drying up." Seriously, if it wasn't bad enough that I can't handle breastfeeding, now I couldn't handle pumping and my breasts were deciding to dry up!? Queue more tears and that resounding feeling of failure all over again.

By the end of the morning, before some fantastic visitors came over, I had resigned myself to one thing: my baby is going to be a formula baby.

However, I was determined to give it a good last-ditch-effort and pumped religiously every 2-4 hours even though I couldn't feel my breasts filling up and getting that heavy-with-milk feeling. I tried drinking more water (I never get enough...), eating more, relaxing more and tried to cry less.

The one natural thing that my body is supposed to be able to do in all of this is produce milk...and it wasn't. I consistently got 1/2 an ounce with every pump, sometimes even less than that, and maybe once a little bit more. I was getting discouraged incredibly fast, and started to wrap my head around formula feedings...the cost of formula...getting more bottles...whether premixed is better than powder...which brand would be the most suitable.

C was fantastic throughout it all. He reassured me that as long as Owen's tummy is full, it doesn't matter where it comes from and that perhaps formula isn't such a bad idea. Then I won't be filled with stress and anxiety when it comes to breastfeeding, and now pumping. I was thinking him right on those aspects, and very much appreciated a good long hug to not feel like a total failure. He even tried to make me laugh through my tears, and commented on the fact that it was our first hug without my belly in the way and that it was exciting to be able to wrap his arms fully around me and even give my butt a little pat for encouragement.

I kept pumping every 2-4 hours, on the off chance that the girls were just having an off day and needed a rest while getting used to this pumping like a madwoman schedule I've been on. By the later hours of the evening, after a nice dinner out without C or Owen (Daddy's suggestion that I go out for some me-time...it was very much worth it!) with a good friend, I had pretty much convinced myself that this wasn't going to happen.

I came home, and C was wanting me to call the doctor first thing Monday morning. Why? What are they going to tell me? If I'm drying up, there's no magical pill that they can give me to increase my supply. He was getting concerned that with the redness and clogged ducts, that perhaps there was a medical reason why my body was sabotaging itself. Allright, fine...

But I wanted to try pumping up until making that call, if nothing else to relieve myself of any future pain when my body did decide to fully dry up.

1. FULL. OUNCE!

I couldn't believe it. All day at barely 15ml, and then I get a whopping 30ml all at once!? YAHOO!!

I talked to C about what options we have and who we should call, and we've decided that I need to talk to a lactation consultant. I'm not sure how they can help, or if they can since I'm pumping, but I figure it's worth a shot as I am determined to make this work! We made a long list of questions including if I should get a different/more effective pump, herbal supplements or vitamins that may help increase the supply, how long it should take to establish said supply, and even what foods may help increase the supply.

I'm really hoping that they'll have some pointers for me, and even if I have to spend another $200 on a new and better pump, it will save in 6+months of formula, extra bottles and nipples...That's what my savings account can be used for I suppose. Thankfully, they make house calls and will travel out to see me rather than me packing up Owen and trudging downtown. It's not far, but it's still an ordeal and right now, I don't need the added stress. As it's 4am now, and likely they won't be up and crazy like I am, I will make a point to call them first thing in the morning once their office is open.

I'm not giving up yet. I won't let this defeat me on something I hold so important.

It seems that it takes my breasts about 4-5 hours to fill, so when I am pumping every 2-3 hours...there's barely anything there yet. If it's going to take so long to fill, then at least let's work on increasing my supply so that I'm getting more than an ounce every 4-5 hours and can bank more milk in the long run over a longer period of time between pumpings. That would be fantastic, and it's definitely the thread of hope that I'm hanging onto with dear life.

Meeting The Szems

Last night, Owen met his Uncle B and Auntie S for the very first time...a moment that C was really looking forward to, I mean...it is his big brother after all!

While Uncle B was a little hesitant to hold him, he soon warmed up to the idea of a baby and was being silly in no time. Auntie S was awesome with him and Owen really snuggled into her. It was very cute!

Nagypapi took Owen over to meet the neighbours, The H's, and got the seal of approval from the head honcho.


We even sneaked in a family picture. Why no one told me that my hair looked ridiculous and needs to be cut and dyed is beyond me, but I think the pictures all turned out very nicely!




With Uncle B


With Auntie S, the birthday girl




With Nagypapi




Uncle B being silly...apparently Owen needed aviators



Helping get socks on those tiny feet

First family picture!! Only took a week to get!!

What Makes It Worthwhile...

Yesterday was in a few words...not good. Talk about emotional roller coaster! From weeping when Owen choked on his own puke (I swear, I turned for a second and then looked at this sweet little boy all in distress and choking...he's fine, I on the other hand just rocked him and bawled after he spit up some junk from his tummy), to being outrageously angry about a personal issue, to bawling again when C came home from work. Baby blues anyone?


Owen was pretty good overall yesterday...a little fussy here and there, and was awake most of the day. After the choking incident, I didn't want to leave him so once C was at work...I stayed with him on the couch...all....day...


Queue exhaustion, and queue even more tears.


Thankfully, C took Owen for the entire evening, made me dinner and let me take care of whatever it was that I wanted to accomplish around the house that I hadn't gotten to since I didn't want to leave Owen's side.


I am happy to report that our laundry is done, partially folded and that our freezer is organized, milk properly stored in it's own little basket (though I need another...that basket is full! Yipee!!) and other things that were too large (like the yummy lasagna from Grandma Dale that is waiting to be baked for dinner one evening...mmmmm) are down in the big chest freezer in the basement. C cleaned the litter box, and then (after washing his hand of course) massaged my feet and ankles to help the fluid drain.


So what makes all of this worthwhile?


Snuggle time. Hands down.




Today's been much better, and is only going to get better from here on out. C's on his way home early from work, Owen and I spent the morning shopping for presents and breastfeeding shields that fit properly, and we're going over to Nagypapi and Nana's for a birthday/father's day dinner with Uncle B and Auntie S! They haven't met Owen yet, so both C and I are very excited to see them (plus we're celebrating Auntie S's bday!! And Nana's too! I'm so excited about their gifts!). Pictures tomorrow, and we may even have our first family picture!

Breastfeeding vs. Formula vs. Pumping

I'll give you fair warning here...I will be talking about boobs, two of them in particular that have taken on a life of their own since Sunday. I will also be discussing (nay...bitching) about the inconsistent messages that were given by some of the nurses at the mother-baby-wellness-centre we were recovering in last week. If you're not down with that, turn back now.

Everyone's first question, after getting the details about his height, weight etc. is always Are you breastfeeding?? y answer to this is one that I have been giving hesitantly, and one that I have received alot of....peer pressure I guess you could call it...about.

No. I am pumping and we are supplementing with formula until I have a good stock pile in the freezer that puts us at least a day ahead in terms of number of feedings.

You see, I have a very powerful sucker on my hands and it became incredibly clear while we were at hospital that breastfeeding fills me with alot of anxiety because he's so darn strong.

When he was first born, he latched super well and it didn't hurt to feed him for 15minutes per side. Well...I also had alot of drugs in me from the epidural, and was on an emotional high from ust delivering my son into this world. A few hours later, I noticed that his suck was super strong and wondered how it was all going to shake out.

The second day, we had some good breastfeeding sessions and some bad ones. The bad ones were largely at night, where he would fall asleep on the breast and be difficult to stimulate so it would take about 30+minutes per side to get a feeding done and there was one nurse (we didn't like her very much by the end) who insisted that I feed him once every two hours no matter what, and to do at least 20mins per side. At this point, my nipples were cracked and sore, and the nurses were telling me to tough it out and to only use the Lansinoh cream sparingly.

The second night was torture. Breastfeeding to me quickly came to mean a fussy baby, a stressed out mom and lots of tears. I barely slept at all, and poor C had to sit there and watch me cry and scream (literally...I screamed) when getting him latched.

Our favourite nurse, Sue, was concerned that my milk wasn't coming in. Really?? It'd only been a couple of days, and we're supplementing with formula to make sure his glucose levels are okay...so...what do you expect? These puppies are going to take a little bit of a break before they move from colostrum to liquid gold. She kept reassuring me that it would come in, and if I wanted to pump once I got home to avoid the anxiety and stress that I feel when he's feeding, then that would be a great alternative.

I still wanted to at least try to breastfeed once we were home, and the first session was great. Perhaps it was because I didn't have the bitchy regimented nurse looking over my shoulder, making me feel bad that I wasn't producing enough...yet, I don't know...but whatever it was, our first session was great. We had a few sessions that weren't so good, and a couple more that were allright, and then we were right back to me crying and wincing in pain when he started to suck and really get into a feeding session.

Where's the pump?? I resigned myself to the fact that this little boy who I love so dearly was far too strong for me in this particular, and very sensitive, area and that maybe giving the pump a go would be for the best.

Well...the pump is working out beautifully. The first day it was alot of colostrum, so we fed that directly to Owen instead of banking it, knowing that it is very important to his immune system. The second day went fantastic and it seemed that my milk was coming in slowly and the portion sizes would almost double with every pump.

Right now (even as I type!) I pump once every 2-3 hours, depending on what's going on, where we are and if Owen is feeding at the time. I find it relaxing, have control over the situation, and can then snuggle with Owen when he is hungry, rather than sit and cry that I'm not producing enough and feeling like a total failure.

To those out there who've judged me for this, I have nothing but horrible terrible things to say to you that I will not write here. Simply, you do not know how it feels and therefore could never relate to the pain of scabbed, bleeding nipples and feeling like a chew toy to a precious little boy.

To those mom's out there who may be struggling with this same thing or aren't quiet decided on if they want to breastfeed, I would highly recommend becoming an exclusive pumper like I did. It's so easy! I was doing 20minutes per side without issue a few days ago, and now that my milk is coming in more and more everyday, I am down to 10minutes as per my doctor's instructions.

While we are still supplementing with formula for the time being, C and I share the responsibility of feeding him, which is a huge help for me when I need to pump at 2:30am (aka...nowish) and is a great bonding tool for the boys. We both know that Owen is getting the nutrients that he needs, and is a very happy baby because he doesn't have parents who are stressing about this particular issue.

I am doing everything that I can to help my supply increase, and it seems to be at a steady 2oz. per pumping session at the moment. Owen eats about 2-3oz. per sitting right now, so while my supply is okay, it definitely cold be better and will get better with consistency and a few tricks like warm compresses, hydration and a balanced diet. Oh...and rest!

Which is where I should be headed off to now that I'm done my midnight-pumping session. So I will leave you with this...

A positive bond between mom and baby doesn't have to be established by breastfeeding. It is established when mom is happy and feels an incredible amount of love for her child, regardless of how they get fed. It is established when a baby has a full tummy and is happy when he (or she) looks up at their momma and smiles, giggles, toots and snuggles in for a nap. It is established out of love, not out of a routine or how a mom choose to feed their child.

Owen And The Doctor

Well...Owen had his very first doctor's appointment yesterday. As I write this, it's hard to believe that only a week ago we were at the hospital and I felt as though I was dying from the pain that I was in. And only about 10hours later...Owen was here!


Here are the specs!


Height - 21"...he's grown a whole 1/2" in the past week! Definitely gets that from his Dad's side of the family...all of the Szem's are super tall!


Weight - 8lbs1oz! We're back up to birth weight, which is amazing at only a week old! Apparently, babies aren't supposed to be back up to their birth weight until about 2weeks!


Head circumference - 36cm...that seems extraordinarily large to me!


We had a tonne of questions, and I think our doctor got a little giggle out of it we think.


When should we start tummy time?
Clearly not until he can support his head a little better...duh! What a silly question! I think we ust want to get the playmat out and play with him on the floor haha


Umbilical Cord Care?
We let it fall off, but is there anything we're supposed to do now? We've heard such conflicting things. Old school "clean with rubbing alcohol" and new school "leave it alone." We're leaving it alone.


Circumcision Care?
The site looks good, but do we need to continue with the Vaseline at every changing? Only for a day or two, and then he's good to go! It healed very fast! This kid must have his Dad's healing abilities!

He's hard to wake up throughout the day, wants to sleep all night, and is geting hard to wake up for feedings at night as well. What do we do?!
Nothing! Let him sleep! Since he's already back up to his birth weight, we've officially been given clearance from our doctor to let him sleep as long as he possibly wants to throughout the night. Last night...that meant a full 5 hours! Even though I got up at 2:30am to pump, it was still good for Owen and Daddy to get lots of sleep! We're to let him only sleep for a few hours at a time during the day, wake him every 3-4 if we have to for feedings, but if we let him sleep most of the night, he should be alert during the day. Well....he is! Bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning!


Hiccups and gas - this kid toots up a storm and hiccups about 4 times a day!
Since we're pumping and bottle feeding exclusively, he's taking in extra air...which is causing his tummy and diaphragm to expand. He's fine, no gripe water needed and it will pass in time.


Bathing - how often should we do this? Are we okay to sponge bath, or should we be getting him in his little tub?
Dr. Leslie answered this one...only every few days for a full sponge or tub bath...either are fine when he's so little and not crawling around getting super dirty. Other than that, wipe down his face, hands and bum everyday with a wet cloth.


The only other thing we discussed was my weight. Since I lost so much during the pregnancy with all of the morning sickness, I wasn't quite sure what that dreaded number on the scale would be.

Well! Let me tell you!! I've lost 11lbs in having Owen! Apparently, the weight comes off in thirds and it's the last third that is the hardest to lose.


1/3 baby
1/3 fluid
1/3 post-baby (aka...all of the hot fudge sundaes and slushies and NERDS I indulged in)


I definitely haven't lost the fluid weight yet, my feet could tell you that, but I found it really exciting, and incredibly encouraging, to know that even with boobs the size of the Rockies and heavy like 30lb weights, I am down 11lbs. on the scale and weigh 2lbs less than when C and I got married nearly 2 years ago. Thank you Owen, mommy loves her new figure (and flat tummy!!).


Here we are!






Oh my favourite jeans...so saggy in the tush! I have a lack-there-of for the very first time in my life!